pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
don't judge my taste in strippers
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
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