How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
