Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
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