Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Randomize
