he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
