i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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