Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
