Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Randomize
