I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
