he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
