the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
i want to swaddle you in tequila
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Randomize
