history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Randomize
