What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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