my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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