Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Randomize
