he puts the penis in happiness.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
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