I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I need a burrito and a hug.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
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