3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Randomize
