It's like a parade of train wrecks.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
