your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Randomize
