just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
