the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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