is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
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