In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
