You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
You need Xanax blowdarts
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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