we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
