Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
PS: I just woke up from my shower
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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