Midget sex pt 2 tonight
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
