It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
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