Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Randomize
