I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
