She's hot, in a Megan Fox with Down's Syndrome kinda way. Like, she'd win Miss Deliverance Pageant
At least she's the hottest one. Oh well, it's all about stats
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
