the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
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so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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