I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
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