I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Randomize
