remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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