I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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