the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
