IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
