her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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