he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Randomize
