Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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