I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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