Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Randomize
