Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
