upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
