Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Randomize
