If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
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