Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Randomize
