There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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