NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Randomize
