You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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