when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
