i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
