Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
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