my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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