I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Randomize
