umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Randomize
