My underwear smells like fireworks.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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