Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
