Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
I met the friendliest cop last night
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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