I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
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