how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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